Jokes

Wife : You keep my photo in the wallet all the time?
Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone.
Wife : See? I am your miracle right?
Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!

10 ways to confuse Santa Claus:
1. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
3. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
4.Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
5. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
6.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
7. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
8.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
9. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
10. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $10,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $500,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $10,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $10,000 and the interest, which comes to $25.36. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $10,000?”
The Italian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $25.36 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Why the chicken didn’t cross the road?
Because it was already on the other side…

School jokes: A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at professor for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.